Good Friday and Easter Sunday is coming. The death and ressurection of Jesus which we will be commemorating this Friday…followed by the Badger’s camp debrief…it doesn’t seem to fit. Such a sad occasion followed by one that is happy…

I cringe each time I remember the crucification, the humiliation and pain that Jesus went through for us. He was sinless, pure and holy and he had compassion for the lost ones- us. Yet these people he loved mocked him, tortured him, hurled abuse at him…he didn’t deserve it but silently, he went through the whole ordeal when he could have had commanded angels to come and destroy all these people. He tells the women crying for him not to cry and he comforted Peter who denied him three times when Jesus was taken away by the soldiers. And as he hung on the cross dying, he felt, even lonelier than ever and he cried out to God ‘why have you forsaken me?’. And this is when God takes him away.

We often yell at God that he will never understand the pain we’re going through. But God does. God does understand our pain, perhaps, even better than we do. Because God feels these pain too. God grieved when he sees the evilness in man- his creation that is after his own image (Genesis 6:5-6). Jesus grieved when he thought God has forsaken him at the last hours of his life. Jesus grieved when Lazarus died (John 11:34-36).

Why does God allow pain in this world? I asked myself this question too and I’ve finally found the answer. Pain is essential. It protects us from further injuries (e.g. when our skin gets in contact with a hot object, we immediately pull away because of the pain we feel). It builds up fellowship (E.g. SJAB trainings.). It strengthens and makes us wiser through experience (We learn our lessons the hard way). It calls us back to God. There are moments when we are so agonised that we desperately call out to God for help. And when our cries are answered, won’t we become so much closer to God? God gives us moments of loneliness, of pain and desperation to call us back to him and to bring about his point that only he can fill in the empty voids inside us. You can have fame, fortune, wealth but at the end of the day, there's an emptiness that doesn't go away. And for me, even when I know I have loyal friends who have again and again proven that they will stand by me in rain or shine, there's always that loneliness that comes up when I'm with them.

Being a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean a better life. Yes, those agonising moments of pure loneliness I feel are softened, yes I’ve survived painful moments when I really just feel like giving up my life. But I face persecutions from my parents. I face retaliation on my faith. I cannot quite blend in with my group of friends anymore and I’m still trying to die to my old sinful self. Every moment of my life, every decision, I ponder whether the result would be pleasing to God. It is tiring but it is definitely worth it. Our suffering is nothing compared to what Jesus went through the day he was crucified.

Why do I choose to follow a religion where I know I will suffer in? Because God’s love is magnificent. Once you've experienced it, it's so hard to tear away from him (Think of the 'Pass it on' song). Why do you think there's so many Christian songs talking about our love for God? He chose a most painful and humiliating way to win our hearts and save us from eternal damnation in hell- letting his one and only son suffer and die on the cross. How great is his love for us that he chose nails and thorns as his crown and garment? He knows it takes time to love someone we have not seen and as we run to him, he is running towards us as well (Do you know that it is considered undignified for elders to run?). He wants to meet us more eagerly than we want to meet him. And though there are moments when he feels so faraway, God is never far away from us because he lives in us. We are his churches.

I know I might sound foolish and offending to some. I'm tired of all the arguments about how church is changing me and maybe you might think that I'm shutting myself from my friends but the thing is, there are some things that I cannot ask for their advice on. If I tell them I'm spiritually dry, what can they tell me?

Just because I am so involved in church doesn't mean I'll shut myself away from non-christians. Have I done that? My friends are still my friends, christian or non-christians. But my love is in my faith, is that wrong? So what if my heart's always on Jesus? Are you upset that I have a new love in my life? With my church friends, it is easier to talk to them because we know the same Gospel, the same life that God calls us to live. But have I shunned away from my non-christian friends because of this? Truthfully, I don't go out shopping with my christian friends, or take neoprints with them.It is frustrating when I try to explain my religion to ears that do not listen and eyes that do not see. God's words are foolishness to the wisdom of the world. But isn't it foolish too to believe that wishing upon a shooting star will make your dreams come true? Or catching a falling leaf would bring good luck? Why not put your hopes upon a living God who is real and faithful to his words?

All I ask of you people is just to be objective in your views. Please look at things at my point of view as I look at things from a non-christian's point of view. I'm highly aware of how foolish I sound whenever I talk about my religion. But it's not like I'm not affected everytime an argument about church comes up. What you're unhappy of, I beg you just tell me because I'm tired of guessing what the problem is. I will reflect upon my actions and if you think religion has clouded my mind, I just want you to know that it has not. I ponder over all my actions and words even more now that I am a christian. But I will not stop getting involved in church. I will not stop believing in my religion. I know my limits and I keep at it.

I really appreciate your concern over me and I really hope my being a christian will not affect our friendships because I do cherish them, maybe more than you think I do. Anyway, I thank you for your understanding and your patience to read through this whole entry.